What will happen to the Scots in England after independence?

Almost one million Scots live in England. What will happen to them if Scotland became independent? The answer is simple. Every Scot living in England will become an immigrant which according to the Daily Mail has the full title “a dirty, filthy, job stealing, benefit seeking immigrant.”

If UKIP leader and Daily Mail reader Nigel Farage thinks Romanians/Polish/anyone not from Eton are bad, wait until he is left with a million strong workforce of Glaswegians, Dundonians and Edinburgh-ians.

So how will the immigrant experience be for the new Scottish nation? Like all immigrants we will end up in Ghetto’s in towns and cities across England. Entire streets will become versions of Scotland and be known as Jocktown’s. The area will contain nothing but chip shops where English people will visit when they want a Jock. They will sit and eat and say vaguely racist comments like “Rupert told me this was the best chip shop because it’s filled with gingers – and, one knows, if gingers are eating here it must be good.”

Some Scots will try and live among the English but their neighbors will pass their houses/flats and comment “Do you smell haggis?”

To protect our cultural identity we Scots will marry only our own kind. The marriage adverts will state

“GINGER LAD, pubes’n’all, mad shagger and all round legend, 29 but could pass for a young 47, three kids, all by the same burd, so dead loyal, seeks lumber, possibly two, if you is not too hungover.”

The Daily Mail will be up in arms. Nigel won’t be able to pick it up without reading another story about how Scottish migrants are abusing the NHS by taking all the heart surgery while good honest hard working English families can’t get near a cardiac ward.

Even the smallest towns will be not escape. Tesco’s will have a ‘Scottish aisle’ filled with traditional Scottish foods like Irn-Bru, Diet Irn-Bru, Mars Bars and deep fat fryer oil. While larger towns will have dedicated Scottish shops or, as they’re more commonly known, Gregg’s The Bakers.

But lastly the only prerequisite to becoming prime minister is that you’re a commonwealth citizen so to save our million strong brothers/sisters we can just put one of our own in charge of England. All Hail immigrant and commonwealth citizen  Fat Minister! Glorious Leader of Scotland and England!


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