Lets conquer England

Scotland doesn’t want to be ruled by London. London wants the UK to stay together. I have a solution that keeps both sides happy – c’mon everybody, let’s conquer England!

Think about it: if we conquer England we have all the benefits of independence AND London has all the benefits of a strong United Kingdom. A kingdom united by Scotland. Everyone’s a winner.

And, as fair rulers, we’d treat England with compassion, mercy, grace and tolerance. All we would ask in return is for two child tributes from every region to take part in an annual Highland Hunger Games. Fight to the death. One winner. Old school rules.

But how could a nation of six million conquer a nation of 60 million? It’s easy. We have nuclear weapons and they don’t. In fact, we have their nuclear weapons. That’ll teach London for dumping Trident on us.

Not that we would conquer England just by threatening them with annihilation. Just like Russia and Crimea, it would be England’s choice. We’d offer them a referendum. England can choose to join Scotland and to never mention 1966 again; or, they could choose to be the board in a game of nuclear darts.

For years we’ve been trying to return Trident. Now we can. One missile at a time. 

If Crimea has taught us anything, it’s taught us this: any country with nuclear weapons and a vast oil reserve can do what the hell it likes and no one, not even America, will stop them. We have nuclear weapons. We’ve got the North Sea. We could give David Cameron a massive wedgie; George Osborne a noogie; and Nick Clegg a wet willy in both of ears, and they would all beg us for more. George would even enjoy it. Allegedly.

England is our Crimea, if we just grew a pair of balls. Big atomic balls.

Don’t vote ‘yes’. Don’t vote ‘no’. Vote to push the big red button. You ‘no’ it makes sense.

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